So I've taken the plunge.
I am going to Mexico tomorrow to undertake what specialists in the field call a 'body modification procedure.'
It involves implanting retractable titanium 'claws' in the thickest part of the bone in each toe; as well as alongside my heel underneath my ankle, in an attempt to become as close to a wild animal as possible in my running. The retractability will happen as a result of an involuntary tendon movement upon relaxing my foot.
I am also having a carbon fiber 'tendon enhancement' installed in my achilles and interior tibialis band to increase spring and load strength. Cool, huh?
I'm sure many of you are thinking that it is vanity that drove me to this decision, but I assure you that once you see me scale muddy hills with these puppies, you will be booking a flight to Mexico yourselves.
I am also sure you're concerned with the procedure itself, and it is appreciated, but I assure you that the facility I am going to is a pioneer in this field and their quality is top notch. They use nothing but the finest medical grade titanium coupled with an advanced anatomical imaging system that drives micro-precision screws into bone so non-invasively I should be able to tear the sheets off of the recovery bed with my new claws upon leaping out of it with my enhanced joints the next morning.
I have met several times with the doctor who will be performing the surgery and I have great confidence in her. If all goes well with this, I will likely be going down there next April to have a third lung installed in place of 1/3 of my liver which can be harmlessly removed and hopefully donated. That kind of reserve oxygen capacity can yield as much as a 75% increase in VO2 max under optimal conditions. Imagine that!! 160% efficiency!
It's basically the equivalent of running at around fifteen miles per hour -- tirelessly. All I would need to do is keep adequately fueled and hydrated. Sick, huh?!
But first things first!
I am going to modify a pair of Vibram FiveFinger KSO's to accomodate my new enhancements so that I can run protected, but with great agility and grip.
Wish me luck! I'll see you on the trails!
I am going to Mexico tomorrow to undertake what specialists in the field call a 'body modification procedure.'
It involves implanting retractable titanium 'claws' in the thickest part of the bone in each toe; as well as alongside my heel underneath my ankle, in an attempt to become as close to a wild animal as possible in my running. The retractability will happen as a result of an involuntary tendon movement upon relaxing my foot.
I am also having a carbon fiber 'tendon enhancement' installed in my achilles and interior tibialis band to increase spring and load strength. Cool, huh?
I'm sure many of you are thinking that it is vanity that drove me to this decision, but I assure you that once you see me scale muddy hills with these puppies, you will be booking a flight to Mexico yourselves.
I am also sure you're concerned with the procedure itself, and it is appreciated, but I assure you that the facility I am going to is a pioneer in this field and their quality is top notch. They use nothing but the finest medical grade titanium coupled with an advanced anatomical imaging system that drives micro-precision screws into bone so non-invasively I should be able to tear the sheets off of the recovery bed with my new claws upon leaping out of it with my enhanced joints the next morning.
I have met several times with the doctor who will be performing the surgery and I have great confidence in her. If all goes well with this, I will likely be going down there next April to have a third lung installed in place of 1/3 of my liver which can be harmlessly removed and hopefully donated. That kind of reserve oxygen capacity can yield as much as a 75% increase in VO2 max under optimal conditions. Imagine that!! 160% efficiency!
It's basically the equivalent of running at around fifteen miles per hour -- tirelessly. All I would need to do is keep adequately fueled and hydrated. Sick, huh?!
But first things first!
I am going to modify a pair of Vibram FiveFinger KSO's to accomodate my new enhancements so that I can run protected, but with great agility and grip.
Wish me luck! I'll see you on the trails!
6 comments:
And you'll return home to star in the next X-Men movie, right Mr. Wolverine of the Feet?
Bring me back some tequila.
Can't imagine catching your new claws on the roots and rocks at Superior...I don't know if I can be around for that test run!
At least last year's April Fool's was plausible.
Ha, ha, Happy April Fools!
So, how much is this all going to cost you? I know some good doctors in Thailand who could probably cut you a really good deal.
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